mushy me…

by z.lynn

A friend made a comment last week in bible study about how Jesus knew that his death was imminent but that he didn’t focus on that. She said that he focused on the job that he was sent to do. She then made application to ones that may go to the doctor and receive a diagnosis of a having only a short period of time to live. Her point was that we cannot dwell on the negative when we have children and spouses and other lives to care for.

At some point, I zoned out on my friend and thought back to when I lost my mother. I was angry and disappointed and in denial, to say the least. I was 4 months pregnant with the 1st grandchild that she had been begging for since I got married 5 years earlier. When I found out how serious her condition was, she was in hospice. For those that don’t know, hospice is where patients are sent to be made comfortable until they die. She never told us how sick she was. I felt like she didn’t allow us the opportunity to help. It seemed like she was giving up. It was truly the hardest thing that I have ever had to bear. Losing her felt like the world stopped for an eternity. No breath, no wind, no heartbeat, no sound, just emptiness.

So there I sat in bible study, one tear, then another. No, I can’t do this right now. I told myself, I don’t want to do this right now. No, no, no, not now. Tears soon began to rip down my face in an unstoppable stream. My heart ached so much that I felt as if it would just stop beating. It all made sense now. My mom was not ignoring our feelings, she didn’t NOT want us to help, she just wanted us to remember her being jovial and loving. She was focusing on others and not on herself. She realized the eventuality of her condition but didn’t want to dwell on it.

As I excused myself to go to the restroom and wipe my tears, I kept my head low, feeling ashamed. How could I ever be angry at her for dying, for feeling that she’d left me alone?!? When all along, she did what was best for me, she was doing nothing but thinking of me and my family and her role as our mother, sister, daughter, wife, friend.

It’s amazing how we obtain clarity at the moments when we least expect them. God takes care of us that way. Thank you, Father. I can hardly wait until see her again.

Have a Great Day! 🙂

zlynn

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